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Disillusionment

Today, hopes and dreams died. I think many of you are thinking that a few months in a country, like France, where they speak another language and you would be conversing like a native. Maybe with an accent that everyone in that country finds charming, but have total command. Even people I know who should know better have said to me, "well, by summer you should be pretty fluent." Humph.

So, today, I am talking to Helmut and he is trying to write a texto (that is an IM on his phone) and he says, "Oh, where is my French. You know, sometimes my brain just doesn't want to speak French." He continues, to tell me that since it is not his mother-tongue, sometimes the brain just doesn't function and you can't communicate. This is coming from someone who has been here for 25-30 years. Oh, no.

I know at this point, speaking French is sometimes easy and sometimes it is just hard work and sometimes you feel like a complete idiot. "Je...(just want to speak English right now because I can't find a word for what I want to say and even if I could it would be so dumbed down it would just be so simple that it can hardly be worth wasting your time with the stupid thing that is about to come out of my mouth which is the palest of pale copies of the complex and beautiful idea I am trying to convey but will never be able to do that in this language that is not my own)".

But until today, I had the goal that by [put in whatever timeframe you think is appropriate], I would be able to discuss films and books in French and be able to get all the nuance that I want and have wonderful double meanings in my sentences and have people say to me, "Oh, you are so drole!" because I can dig deep into the meanings of the words to know all those clever bits of a language. But now I know that there are always going to be times when your brain tells you, "Sorry, I just don't want to function in that language." and even though yesterday you were charmingly speaking to a stranger in the elevator, today you can't seem to find the words to explain to the Pharmacist the pain in your back, since the word for "back" and "pain" both escape you and once that happens, what can you say? "I have a not good feeling in this part of the body here" and point. Sure, you get your point across, but no elegance is left.

I am immersing myself in the society more all the time. I belong to a French-English discussion group that meets every week for 2 hours. We speak French and English, alternately, with native French and English speakers. Sounds perfect, right? Well, yes, but it is only 2 hours a week. I now belong to the gay men's chorus here and everything is in French. That means, announcements, directions to where we need to be next, subtleties in the music. All of it. AND, I miss a lot of it. So, I have a few English speakers around where I can turn to them and say, "huh?"

BUT I want to be the person who understands it all. And I want it now. I have been here for 6 months. How much more time do I have to wait? Obviously maybe it never comes. Ugh. I feel like Charlie Brown sometimes.

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