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Identity

OK, you are going to laugh at me for this one. I have been having an identity crisis. Sort of.

It started about a week ago. I saw an article on Facebook, entitled "4 Ways Living Abroad Changes You Forever."(It is linked on the title, even though this layout doesn't show it to you.) Anyway, I read it and it said how wonderful it is to live abroad (away from the country you call home). I found it interesting and it stuck with me. For a while. Too long.

You see, it says that along with it being a broadening experience, the place where you were begins to close behind you, like an electronic door. And while you are out experiencing new things, the place where you were begins to forget you and everyone gets on with their lives. Well, that started to sink in. I know, you are thinking, "Well, what did you expect?" but when it begins to happen to me, it gives me pause. I have my identity tied in with being a New Yorker. I have often said that I felt more a New Yorker than an American. In fact, when people ask me where I am from, I always say I am a New Yorker, not an American. I have quite often spoken of New York as the Venice of this era. Venice was the city-state in Italy, but it really didn't answer to anyone. Just like New York.

The rest of the country seems to hate NYC. I remember I was out visiting relatives on my father's side when I was in my early 30's. My uncle (whom I did not keep in touch with) was very pleasant until one day he blew up at me, saying that he was tired that his hard-earned tax dollars were going to NYC politicians. Now, he took me by surprise. I never knew about this point of view, and I had no ammunition against it. I now know that more money leaves New York than comes in from the government, so the reality was that he was getting New York money not the other way.

But there is so much in NYC that has defined me for a very long time. So, to say that life there is closing behind me, I got a bit depressed. I love both NYC and Paris, but I am still a New Yorker, or at least I thought. I have chosen to be here in Paris. There are many things new to explore, language to learn, culture to explore. I look forward to it. I am just not ready to give up being a New Yorker and when I go to be "just visiting." I have an opportunity to go to NYC from mid-February to mid-March. There is part of me that wants to go, but an even bigger part asking me, "why?" Sure, there is theater I want to see, but what do I do after that? Sit alone in someone else's apartment? It just doesn't feel like something I want to do.

I will sit with this for a bit and hopefully things will settle down. I know that I am beyond lucky to be here and also be tied to NYC. So, enjoy the laugh is on me.

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