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Between worlds

I am back in NYC for about 10 days and it is messing with my brain. It does not feel quite right. Yes, it is familiar; yes, I know where things are and yes, I speak the language. But something is off. It is as if I am in a "Twilight Zone" episode and I am leading two lives.

When I am in Paris, I have a lover/partner and have a circle of people I know and contact. I am starting something new and there are new places to explore daily. I have a language to master and the joys/frustrations of creating a new life. New York is part of my past and also a place I can reach out to any time in my head. I am moving ahead with a future.

But being back in NYC right now I am questioning if that life exists. Really? Paris? Speaking French every day? New non-English speaking people? I don't know... sounds like a fantasy. And yet, I know it is there, I ping Helmut daily. He is real in both worlds. But the rest? I am not sure.

Of course, this NYC life that I am back in isn't quite right either. I am not in my apartment (it has been subleased, yeah!) so I am with friends, couch surfing (ASIDE: Why isn't it sofa surfing? Better alliteration). As we all know, this is never ideal. I am desperately trying to fit into my hosts' schedule without getting in the way. Interact with them enough to not seem aloof but not too much to be a Chatty Cathy. Helping out enough to be helpful and not intrusive. I change couches in a few days and will need to get to re-adjust again.

I have no agenda here this time. I planned this trip to get the apartment ready to sublet, but that is done, so I just don't have that much to do. So, I am a tourist in my old life. Or is it my old life? Maybe I am having mental issues and have dreamt up the Paris thing entirely.

I know when I get back to Paris, this will all be just fine and I can move ahead with my new life. Right now, though, I feel like I have hit the UNDO button and am back 8 months ago without much future. That sounds bleaker than I feel. I know I have that life and I look forward to going back. How do I convince my subconscious though?

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