Skip to main content

Between worlds

I am back in NYC for about 10 days and it is messing with my brain. It does not feel quite right. Yes, it is familiar; yes, I know where things are and yes, I speak the language. But something is off. It is as if I am in a "Twilight Zone" episode and I am leading two lives.

When I am in Paris, I have a lover/partner and have a circle of people I know and contact. I am starting something new and there are new places to explore daily. I have a language to master and the joys/frustrations of creating a new life. New York is part of my past and also a place I can reach out to any time in my head. I am moving ahead with a future.

But being back in NYC right now I am questioning if that life exists. Really? Paris? Speaking French every day? New non-English speaking people? I don't know... sounds like a fantasy. And yet, I know it is there, I ping Helmut daily. He is real in both worlds. But the rest? I am not sure.

Of course, this NYC life that I am back in isn't quite right either. I am not in my apartment (it has been subleased, yeah!) so I am with friends, couch surfing (ASIDE: Why isn't it sofa surfing? Better alliteration). As we all know, this is never ideal. I am desperately trying to fit into my hosts' schedule without getting in the way. Interact with them enough to not seem aloof but not too much to be a Chatty Cathy. Helping out enough to be helpful and not intrusive. I change couches in a few days and will need to get to re-adjust again.

I have no agenda here this time. I planned this trip to get the apartment ready to sublet, but that is done, so I just don't have that much to do. So, I am a tourist in my old life. Or is it my old life? Maybe I am having mental issues and have dreamt up the Paris thing entirely.

I know when I get back to Paris, this will all be just fine and I can move ahead with my new life. Right now, though, I feel like I have hit the UNDO button and am back 8 months ago without much future. That sounds bleaker than I feel. I know I have that life and I look forward to going back. How do I convince my subconscious though?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Chronomically challenged

Parisians are ALWAYS late. I think New Yorkers run the gamut, but Parisians are late. They always have a good reason: traffic, the weather, kept at work, the Métro, the dog, the kids, garbage truck. But late. I am in a period of adjusting to this. My tendency is to be on-time. I call it the German in me. Helmut, who was born in Germany, is Parisian now and so I am alone in this bit of frustration. For the most part, people are 15 to 30 minutes late but for some it can be a bit extreme. For instance, meeting my friend Laure means scheduling a 1/2 hour (at least) for this arrival time. I want to emphasize, this is my issue, not Paris'. BUT There are extreme cases. One time Helmut and I were supposed to meet someone for dinner at (let's say) 8 (16h). She called and was going to be late. About an hour and a half after our original meeting time, we left for dinner. She knew where we would be, so she could meet us. At this point I had my doubts if she was going to come at all....
3 comments
Read more

A Toast

Wine is very important in France and, from what I have witnessed, a part of Paris social life. New Yorkers share a bottle of wine or have a glass together, or even a cocktail, but there is something a bit more about sharing wine in Paris. It is first of all, much more prevalent. In NYC, I will sometimes have one glass of wine. If two others at the table want wine, we may discuss getting a bottle. Rarely have I gone through more than a bottle. In Paris, if two people want wine, it is almost automatic that you get a bottle. If more than two people are at the table, there is a strong likelihood you will be getting more than one bottle. It is less of a special occasion in Paris. Not that it is not special, but it is more part of the meal than something "special." Never ordinary. When the wine is poured, there is a special moment where we all toast. This is like in NYC, but not. In NYC, when you are all served, we hold up the glasses and everyone moves them to the center, mak...
Post a Comment
Read more

Disillusionment

Today, hopes and dreams died. I think many of you are thinking that a few months in a country, like France, where they speak another language and you would be conversing like a native. Maybe with an accent that everyone in that country finds charming, but have total command. Even people I know who should know better have said to me, "well, by summer you should be pretty fluent." Humph. So, today, I am talking to Helmut and he is trying to write a texto (that is an IM on his phone) and he says, "Oh, where is my French. You know, sometimes my brain just doesn't want to speak French." He continues, to tell me that since it is not his mother-tongue, sometimes the brain just doesn't function and you can't communicate. This is coming from someone who has been here for 25-30 years. Oh, no. I know at this point, speaking French is sometimes easy and sometimes it is just hard work and sometimes you feel like a complete idiot. " Je ...(just want to speak...
Post a Comment
Read more